Axemaster The Fierce’s Guide to Writing an Incredibly Awesome and Thoroughly Euphoric Short Story!
Note: this was written as a "joke" for my creative writing class, so don't think I'm dissing anyones' writing here...
Hello there children... Are you tired of writing boring and pointless short stories, void of anything cool? Have you “had it up to here” with people reading one paragraph of your writing, only to die horribly of boredom? Do you often wish that there was some “magical short story guide” that would add some much needed life to your terrible terrible works of “literary art?”
Well, now all of your deepest darkest fantasies have come true (except the one about the Vaseline and walruses), for I have written a guide that is sure to make your otherwise retarded short stories worth reading!
Now, every story needs certain things to make it “worth reading.” Among those elements are: a good plot (maybe one that involves banditos or laser toting aliens), interesting characters (aliens, ninjas, and evil robots are staple characters for any good story), and plenty of fight scenes that may or may not have anything to do with the story itself! Once you’ve mapped all of these things out in your mind or written them down on a piece of paper, it is time to start mashing them all together into a short story to rival the great classics.
First, you need to introduce your main character. His name needs to be something amazing, something that will immediately grab your reader’s attention. Let’s say that you’ve named this character Gorgatrell! Now, to start the story you need to show the reader some kind of gripping “birth scene,” that could go as follows:
There was a boom of thunder all across the swampland as Gorgatrell, master of awesomeness, emerged from the muddy swamp waters that had confined and fed him all of his life. He immediately scanned his surroundings for bad guys to beat up and babies to eat.
As was mentioned earlier, every good story needs to be filled with often meaningless fight scenes. And the very beginning of a story is a great time to throw one in. You need to start out with a tough battle, so that right away your reader will know what a beast Gorgatrell is. I highly recommend you have dark mages appear in puffs of smoke and start shooting fireballs and lightning bolts at Gorgatrell. It is up to you how the battle plays out, but Gorgatrell should win eventually... Since this is his first battle, it is okay if Gorgatrell loses an appendage or two as this gives him something to replace with robotic parts. I’m sure you can see the benefits of having a robotic gun arm instead of a fleshy human arm.
It is probably best around this point if you let one of the dark mages escape to tell his sinister, dark, evil, and just plain mean master about the new “good guy” Gorgatrell. This will be a kind of “plot development gimmick,” in which the narrator shows you the “Dark Lord” who wants to conquer the world and imprison all of its bunnies for his sick and twisted sexual games (like naked bunny soccer perhaps, but I’ll let you, the writer, develop your own ideas here). Right away, you must show the reader that Gorgatrell represents good, while the “Dark Lord,” who you should probably name Xanthagon (because it sounds evil), represents evil... and sexual perversion. Xanthagon will of course have many minions (now would probably be a good time to introduce the laser-eyed flying super robots), and these will be sent to destroy Gorgatrell.
You should probably show the evil robot minions flying out of Xanthagon’s fortress, while lightning strikes all around and little forest creatures flee in terror. Xanthagon should also have some kind of war chant he shouts at this period of time to encourage his robots. Something like “Go my minions of terror! Use your super lasers and electric can openers to dismember Gorgatrell!” Or I guess you could always just go with the classic “Fly! Fly! Fly!” But this is your story (yep), so I expect you to think of something superb here.
Now, it is time for you to “flash” back over to Gorgatell, who might have made it out of the swamp by now. If you just want to take up space, you can make escaping from the marshy region some kind of lengthy adventure. But it might be pretty boring to the reader, so you’ll need to “spice it up” with more pointless battles. Maybe between Gorgatrell and various highly evolved swamp creatures. Oh, and booby-traps, don’t forget to force Gorgatrell through these things as often as possible in the swampland. My personal favorite booby-traps are giant venomous tree snakes that swing back and forth across the swamp trail, and maybe occasionally shoot fire. But again, this is your story, be creative in your booby-trap ideas! If you really can’t think of anything, than feel free to rip off ideas from the movie Home Alone. You really don’t need to explain to your reader why there are sharp pieces of broken Christmas ornaments and micro machines in the swamp, just as long as you’ve mentioned earlier that the swamp is “enchanted.”
Surely by now Gorgatrell has made it out of the swamp, and it is time for him to meet his first companion/sidekick. I find that the best companions are usually violent forest creatures, as they are both very good in fights and also good to snuggle up with on cold lonely nights. But since you’re trying to be original here, you’ve probably already chosen a flying talking pet rock named Rocky as Gorgatrell’s companion, and I guess I can’t stop you.
After a lengthy dialogue session in which Gorgatrell and Rocky share their innermost secrets and become best of friends, it is time for another battle scene. Depending on how long you made the dialogue segment, our dubious duo must either fight Xanthagon’s flying robots (if the dialogue segment was long) or a band of thieves wearing green tights followed by the aforementioned robots. Or maybe you could have both battles at once, and the thieves could come in riding on the backs of the robots; it’s good to just leave the reader guessing how the thieves got on the robots in between the time Xanthagon released them and the epic battle scene.
This battle is more important than the previous ones, as it lets Rocky prove his worth, and also shows just how brutal laser-eyed flying super robots are. Their steely glare, their blinding and flashy lights, their mechanical battle cries, their deadly deadly lasers, and their cold lustrous metallic carapaces... Brutal indeed. Indeedy do.
It is up to you what kind of super powers you give Rocky, but since he is just a floating pet rock, I recommend the feared “fall on the enemy’s foot” attack! But whatever, it’s your story, you can give him fire breath if you want to... A skill he perhaps learned back when he was only a piece of slowly cooling lava on the earth’s surface. His fiery demeanor might have been what kept his heart from cooling completely, the very heart from which he gets his limitless supply of fire breath.
And now that the robots and/or thieves have been disposed of, it is time for a beautiful dialogue segment between Rocky and Gorgatrell that furthers their unique relationship... I will allow you to copy and paste some of my dialogue if you’re having trouble writing your own, so here:
“Those laser-eyed flying super-robots sure are brutal,” said Gorgatrell.
“Gortatrell...” said Rocky, “I have something to tell you.”
“Yes, what is it?”
“I... I love you!”
“I... love you too Rocky! I’ve loved you since the day we met... Well, I guess that was today. I’ve loved you since today!”
Really, all of this romance is just thrown in for the ladies, and you may have to write in an intense love making scene to keep the guys interested too. Make sure you write a lot about Rocky’s angular rock breasts. Us guys can’t get enough of that stuff. Similes would work great here; something like “those rock breasts were as sharp as kitten teeth, and twice as shiny.” Or... “They were like two exotic and multifaceted diamonds.” Either quote is sure to get your reader as excited as a bunny on free carrot day.
Now our duo needs to do some detective work in nearby villages to search for clues about who keeps sending assassins after Gorgatrell. It will be your job to write clever ways in which these assassination attempts can be linked to the evil, evil Xanthagon.
Xanthagon of course will not be idle this entire time and will send his second in command/apprentice Evil Ed to go and kidnap Rocky and use her to bait Gorgatrell into a devious deathtrap. You see, the reader must know that Xanthagon is too “cool” and “villainy” to do this sort of grunt work himself.
Using some sort of inventive trick, or maybe just with a really strong and fire retardant net, Ed must successfully capture Rocky and take her back to Xanthagon’s fortress where all kinds of unmentionable tortures will be imposed upon Rockey’s multifaceted rock breasts…
Gorgatrell will of course despair over the “kidnaping” of his lovable rock companion and will try and track Evil Ed down. On his quest, Gorgatrell will presumably meet other characters who also have reasons to hate/want to kill Evil Ed and his master Xanthagon. It'd be pretty cool if Gorgatrell could find and reprogram one of Xanthagon's own evil robots to use against him.
Now, as these characters are just kind of "side characters," it is important that you kill them off as the story goes along. Your readers will be moved to tears as Christina the Cheerful Chipmunk sacrifices her own life to save Gorgatrell and his other companions; staying behind to hold off a rather feisty pack of rabid wolves whilst Gorgatrell and company escape to safety.
Eventually, after all of the side characters die, it is time for Gorgatrell to stumble upon Xanthagon's Top-Secret Fortress of Unhappiness and Unpleasantness. Here, you should add a lengthy "quest through the fortress" segment where Gorgatrell kills lots of guards and narrowly avoids death as he prances through many booby trap infested corridors looking for Rocky.
And when he finally finds her, Evil Ed and Xanthagon will spring their "trap." You must put your slowly growing writing skills to the test here, and come up with some ingenious way for Gorgatrell to "escape" the trap and take the fight to the Ed and Xanthagon duo.
Now around this time every good story needs some kind of stupefying plot twist. Something out of the blue and not expected at all... Like maybe, maybe Gorgatrell really is... Xanthagon's evil twin!! A twin so evil that it is astounding that we've thought of Gorgatrell as the good guy this entire story. A twin that Xanthagon erased the memory of and sealed away in that swamp long ago... A twin who now wants to reclaim his title to the position of "Dark Lord!" Using his newly found evilness, Gorgatrell should be able to defeat his brother and Evil Ed.
But alas Gorgatrell's love Rocky will not like this evil at all, and it is up to you as the writer to decide whether Gorgatrell listens to her and turns back to the path of good, or instead eats her and goes on to rule the world!
Anyway... I hope you have enjoyed my short story guide, and will use it as a schematic for all of your future short story endeavors. It is the only way to assure good quality work from yourself, and the only way to ever accomplish your own self actualization...
Note: this was written as a "joke" for my creative writing class, so don't think I'm dissing anyones' writing here...
Hello there children... Are you tired of writing boring and pointless short stories, void of anything cool? Have you “had it up to here” with people reading one paragraph of your writing, only to die horribly of boredom? Do you often wish that there was some “magical short story guide” that would add some much needed life to your terrible terrible works of “literary art?”
Well, now all of your deepest darkest fantasies have come true (except the one about the Vaseline and walruses), for I have written a guide that is sure to make your otherwise retarded short stories worth reading!
Now, every story needs certain things to make it “worth reading.” Among those elements are: a good plot (maybe one that involves banditos or laser toting aliens), interesting characters (aliens, ninjas, and evil robots are staple characters for any good story), and plenty of fight scenes that may or may not have anything to do with the story itself! Once you’ve mapped all of these things out in your mind or written them down on a piece of paper, it is time to start mashing them all together into a short story to rival the great classics.
First, you need to introduce your main character. His name needs to be something amazing, something that will immediately grab your reader’s attention. Let’s say that you’ve named this character Gorgatrell! Now, to start the story you need to show the reader some kind of gripping “birth scene,” that could go as follows:
There was a boom of thunder all across the swampland as Gorgatrell, master of awesomeness, emerged from the muddy swamp waters that had confined and fed him all of his life. He immediately scanned his surroundings for bad guys to beat up and babies to eat.
As was mentioned earlier, every good story needs to be filled with often meaningless fight scenes. And the very beginning of a story is a great time to throw one in. You need to start out with a tough battle, so that right away your reader will know what a beast Gorgatrell is. I highly recommend you have dark mages appear in puffs of smoke and start shooting fireballs and lightning bolts at Gorgatrell. It is up to you how the battle plays out, but Gorgatrell should win eventually... Since this is his first battle, it is okay if Gorgatrell loses an appendage or two as this gives him something to replace with robotic parts. I’m sure you can see the benefits of having a robotic gun arm instead of a fleshy human arm.
It is probably best around this point if you let one of the dark mages escape to tell his sinister, dark, evil, and just plain mean master about the new “good guy” Gorgatrell. This will be a kind of “plot development gimmick,” in which the narrator shows you the “Dark Lord” who wants to conquer the world and imprison all of its bunnies for his sick and twisted sexual games (like naked bunny soccer perhaps, but I’ll let you, the writer, develop your own ideas here). Right away, you must show the reader that Gorgatrell represents good, while the “Dark Lord,” who you should probably name Xanthagon (because it sounds evil), represents evil... and sexual perversion. Xanthagon will of course have many minions (now would probably be a good time to introduce the laser-eyed flying super robots), and these will be sent to destroy Gorgatrell.
You should probably show the evil robot minions flying out of Xanthagon’s fortress, while lightning strikes all around and little forest creatures flee in terror. Xanthagon should also have some kind of war chant he shouts at this period of time to encourage his robots. Something like “Go my minions of terror! Use your super lasers and electric can openers to dismember Gorgatrell!” Or I guess you could always just go with the classic “Fly! Fly! Fly!” But this is your story (yep), so I expect you to think of something superb here.
Now, it is time for you to “flash” back over to Gorgatell, who might have made it out of the swamp by now. If you just want to take up space, you can make escaping from the marshy region some kind of lengthy adventure. But it might be pretty boring to the reader, so you’ll need to “spice it up” with more pointless battles. Maybe between Gorgatrell and various highly evolved swamp creatures. Oh, and booby-traps, don’t forget to force Gorgatrell through these things as often as possible in the swampland. My personal favorite booby-traps are giant venomous tree snakes that swing back and forth across the swamp trail, and maybe occasionally shoot fire. But again, this is your story, be creative in your booby-trap ideas! If you really can’t think of anything, than feel free to rip off ideas from the movie Home Alone. You really don’t need to explain to your reader why there are sharp pieces of broken Christmas ornaments and micro machines in the swamp, just as long as you’ve mentioned earlier that the swamp is “enchanted.”
Surely by now Gorgatrell has made it out of the swamp, and it is time for him to meet his first companion/sidekick. I find that the best companions are usually violent forest creatures, as they are both very good in fights and also good to snuggle up with on cold lonely nights. But since you’re trying to be original here, you’ve probably already chosen a flying talking pet rock named Rocky as Gorgatrell’s companion, and I guess I can’t stop you.
After a lengthy dialogue session in which Gorgatrell and Rocky share their innermost secrets and become best of friends, it is time for another battle scene. Depending on how long you made the dialogue segment, our dubious duo must either fight Xanthagon’s flying robots (if the dialogue segment was long) or a band of thieves wearing green tights followed by the aforementioned robots. Or maybe you could have both battles at once, and the thieves could come in riding on the backs of the robots; it’s good to just leave the reader guessing how the thieves got on the robots in between the time Xanthagon released them and the epic battle scene.
This battle is more important than the previous ones, as it lets Rocky prove his worth, and also shows just how brutal laser-eyed flying super robots are. Their steely glare, their blinding and flashy lights, their mechanical battle cries, their deadly deadly lasers, and their cold lustrous metallic carapaces... Brutal indeed. Indeedy do.
It is up to you what kind of super powers you give Rocky, but since he is just a floating pet rock, I recommend the feared “fall on the enemy’s foot” attack! But whatever, it’s your story, you can give him fire breath if you want to... A skill he perhaps learned back when he was only a piece of slowly cooling lava on the earth’s surface. His fiery demeanor might have been what kept his heart from cooling completely, the very heart from which he gets his limitless supply of fire breath.
And now that the robots and/or thieves have been disposed of, it is time for a beautiful dialogue segment between Rocky and Gorgatrell that furthers their unique relationship... I will allow you to copy and paste some of my dialogue if you’re having trouble writing your own, so here:
“Those laser-eyed flying super-robots sure are brutal,” said Gorgatrell.
“Gortatrell...” said Rocky, “I have something to tell you.”
“Yes, what is it?”
“I... I love you!”
“I... love you too Rocky! I’ve loved you since the day we met... Well, I guess that was today. I’ve loved you since today!”
Really, all of this romance is just thrown in for the ladies, and you may have to write in an intense love making scene to keep the guys interested too. Make sure you write a lot about Rocky’s angular rock breasts. Us guys can’t get enough of that stuff. Similes would work great here; something like “those rock breasts were as sharp as kitten teeth, and twice as shiny.” Or... “They were like two exotic and multifaceted diamonds.” Either quote is sure to get your reader as excited as a bunny on free carrot day.
Now our duo needs to do some detective work in nearby villages to search for clues about who keeps sending assassins after Gorgatrell. It will be your job to write clever ways in which these assassination attempts can be linked to the evil, evil Xanthagon.
Xanthagon of course will not be idle this entire time and will send his second in command/apprentice Evil Ed to go and kidnap Rocky and use her to bait Gorgatrell into a devious deathtrap. You see, the reader must know that Xanthagon is too “cool” and “villainy” to do this sort of grunt work himself.
Using some sort of inventive trick, or maybe just with a really strong and fire retardant net, Ed must successfully capture Rocky and take her back to Xanthagon’s fortress where all kinds of unmentionable tortures will be imposed upon Rockey’s multifaceted rock breasts…
Gorgatrell will of course despair over the “kidnaping” of his lovable rock companion and will try and track Evil Ed down. On his quest, Gorgatrell will presumably meet other characters who also have reasons to hate/want to kill Evil Ed and his master Xanthagon. It'd be pretty cool if Gorgatrell could find and reprogram one of Xanthagon's own evil robots to use against him.
Now, as these characters are just kind of "side characters," it is important that you kill them off as the story goes along. Your readers will be moved to tears as Christina the Cheerful Chipmunk sacrifices her own life to save Gorgatrell and his other companions; staying behind to hold off a rather feisty pack of rabid wolves whilst Gorgatrell and company escape to safety.
Eventually, after all of the side characters die, it is time for Gorgatrell to stumble upon Xanthagon's Top-Secret Fortress of Unhappiness and Unpleasantness. Here, you should add a lengthy "quest through the fortress" segment where Gorgatrell kills lots of guards and narrowly avoids death as he prances through many booby trap infested corridors looking for Rocky.
And when he finally finds her, Evil Ed and Xanthagon will spring their "trap." You must put your slowly growing writing skills to the test here, and come up with some ingenious way for Gorgatrell to "escape" the trap and take the fight to the Ed and Xanthagon duo.
Now around this time every good story needs some kind of stupefying plot twist. Something out of the blue and not expected at all... Like maybe, maybe Gorgatrell really is... Xanthagon's evil twin!! A twin so evil that it is astounding that we've thought of Gorgatrell as the good guy this entire story. A twin that Xanthagon erased the memory of and sealed away in that swamp long ago... A twin who now wants to reclaim his title to the position of "Dark Lord!" Using his newly found evilness, Gorgatrell should be able to defeat his brother and Evil Ed.
But alas Gorgatrell's love Rocky will not like this evil at all, and it is up to you as the writer to decide whether Gorgatrell listens to her and turns back to the path of good, or instead eats her and goes on to rule the world!
Anyway... I hope you have enjoyed my short story guide, and will use it as a schematic for all of your future short story endeavors. It is the only way to assure good quality work from yourself, and the only way to ever accomplish your own self actualization...
thats like a cobillion of my posts put together..