Funny Jokes

:lol :lol :lol

a young man is walking down a road lost and looking for a place to stay. he comes up to a house and asks if he can spend the night. the man that answered the door says "you can sleep here. i will provide you with food and shelter and drive you home in the morning. under one condition: you may not sleep with my daughter!"

the young man agrees. at dinner that night, neither the young man nor the daughter can take their eyes off of each other. after dinner, the man gave up his promise an had sex with the daughter thinking "what is the old man gonna do? slit my throat?"

the next morning, the man woke up with a boulder on his chest. a note on the bouler read:
FIRST CHINESE TORTURE TEST: BOULDER ON CHEST.

The man took the boulder and threw it out the window. a note next to the window read:

SECOND CHINESE TORTURE TEST: BOULDER TIED TO LEFT TESTICLE.

So the man jumped out the window after the boulder. but as he jumped out, he noticed that on that side of the house, a message was painted in red:

THIRD CHINESE TORTURE TEST: RIGHT TESTICLE TIED TO BEDPOST.

Moral: don't sleep with the daughter of a man you don't know.
 
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
 
George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
 
:lol That was pretty good

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
 
Redneck Joke

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
 
ASU grad goes to a hardware store. Says to the clerk, "I need a chainsaw. It needs to be able to cut down six trees in an hour." Clerk points to the top of the line model. ASU grad buys it.
A few days later he comes back. "This chainsaw is defective!! It cut through one tree and it took all day to do it!!"
Clerk says, 'Lemme see what's wrong." He pulls the cord and the chainsaw fires up.
ASU grad says, "What the heck is that sound?!?!?!"

Buh-dump-bump. I'll be here all week. Try the veal.
 
GoRiLlAz_RoCk said:
what do you call a penguin in the dessert??
Click to expand...

Creepin's answer made it funny too!!!

Desert = hot and dry.

Dessert = yum.

I'm still laughing at Creepin's answer... :lol
 
guitarwizard said:
if god gives you aids,make lemon aids!....that was a little crude...
Click to expand...

:lol Sorry I kind of have a twisted sense of humor. But yes it was crude. AIDS itself is no joke.

@Dart: Glad I can make you laugh. :)
 
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