Shinobi Ryoku

G

GamingMaiden

This is my favorite forum on the Citadel.
His headband swayed in the wind as he stood up straight on the high building's "end point." The wind blew even faster and his ears perked up straight. That was a sign that he was coming. The ground vibrated softly. The people below looked around in confusion and perhaps terror. The wind began to blow in harder. His eyes squinted and he drew out his blade, Amatsukami (Means Heavenly God. You'll find out soon enough.)
The ground shook again, but much more violent. He looked around and then leapt down the giant building. He flipped and drew his sword down. Hitting concrete first, it stopped him and had himself a safe landing. "There you are.....Ryoku!" The ground shaked again, like a dangerous earthquake. Civilians screamed and ran into the nearest shelter as fast as possible. The sky turned in a blood red. Ryoku looked down and his eyes seemed to gasp. He jumped as the concrete exploded outward from under him. The pieces of the street were scattered in several places.
The thing from under the street was a oni. A demon. The demon has blood streaked eyes, with horns growing outward and curled back up. "The Ketsueki Oni." Ryuko looked up at the demon and murmured to himself. (Ketsueki means Blood and Oni means Demon.) It's claws were massive. The demon had scaled up to about 60 feet in height and tons in weight. He lifted up his sword, and started his battle "phrase." He looked at it and began to charge.

*Did you like it? There'll be more*
 
Re: American Ninja

Maybe I'm too critical (ah, hell, I definitely am), but I'm not too crazy about it. It seems all too action-oriented. If I may, I would suggest putting more character development in than your last story (which was almost entirely comprised of action sequences). Barring a few select books and genres, what really determines if a story great isn't the basic plotline, but the characters that are involved in the plotline, and whether or not they are compelling. There isn't much room for character development if there is just wall-to-wall action.

I guess I'm judging a little too early, considering you've only written one character, but after reading your previous story, I thought I'd get a suggestion in early to make the story less action oriented.

Also, into pure writing style, I would recommend trying to show characters, through actions, rather than just outright describe them. For example, "The demon had blood streaked eyes..." could become "The demon's blood streaked eyes glared down on Ryuko, as lifted his sword, and began to charge..."

(I'm sorry for being critical, but I'm just trying to give constructive criticism. I hope you take it as that :-\)
 
Hinesmdc said:
there is a movie called American ninja.....
Click to expand...
I edited the title. Never heard of the movie to be honest.....anyways on to the story.


Ryuko charged with no hesitation and threw his blade at the oncoming enemy. It dissolved in air as the blade hurtled down on what used to be it's body. As his feet hit ground, the monster reappeared from behind and hit the ninja with force that made the ground shake as if it was an earthquake. Ryuko hit the building and crashed through the window. He fell in the debris of glass and few chunks of brick from his "flight". As he gasped for air, the bones in his ribs felt a terrible pain and he yelped silently and gently tried to stand up. He limped but his other hand clutched the brick that stood out from the wall. The monster wasn't aware of where he had gone so he took the time to look at his surroundings.
The walls were covered in white paint and posters explaining medical procedures. "Hospitals..." He murmured silently under his breath. He feared hospitals from a bad experience from his childhood. As he walked (limped) through the halls, he recollected his thoughts and breathed in and out slowly so his ribs wouldn't hurt as much as it needed to.
After he got everything in the back of mind settled, he heard faint footsteps. He jumped from wall to wall and lodged himself on the roof to get the birds eye view of whatever was behind(now below) him. But as he set his eyes on the person below him, he felt a weird sensation in his heart.
It was a nurse. Her hat covered most of her hair but curly blond hair with brown streaks showed out from the hat. Her uniform was a white short dress(reaching the knees) with blue strips on the skirt and going up had red strips attached to the blue strips. Her nametag was visible and he peeked at it. Her name was Aiyumi Nakitowo. His heart had that weird sensation again. He blushed a bit and gently shook his head in disbelief of himself. As he noticed she was walking out towards the door, he gasped. She opened it and screamed.
He leapt down and yelled in pain. The bone felt as if it was digging through his skin. He limped as fast as he could to the exit and looked around. "Aiyumi?" He yelled out her name a few times before he caught a sight of her hat. His eyes stared at the hat for what seemed forever. He began to run, not caring if the bone broke out of his skin. He ran and finally caught sight of the monster. His eyes darted at a purple figure zooming around the monster. As if finally landed, behind it, it exploded. Ryuko's eyes widened up as it instantly exploded.
The purple figure was also a ninja. A female ninja. Her dress reached her thighs (its good looking.....)and had multiple belts wrapped around her waist. Her ice cold blue eyes stared into Ryuko's fiery red eyes (it shouldn't be red but it just is lol). "Are you Ryuko?" Her voice chilled his veins. She had the voice of a cold blooded murderer but also the voice of an angel. Soothing yet cold.
He nodded slightly, enchanted by her voice. She continued to stare at him while she walked closer towards him. "How did you know my name?" He laughed silently and asked, "What?" She glared and replied coldly, "My name. Aiyumi."

*I'll edit it later*
 
GamingMaiden said:
He feared hospitals from a bad experience from his childhood.
Click to expand...
I think maybe that could have been elaborated on through a flashback, perhaps. You know, show what exactly happened with hospitals.

It's not a bad story so far though.
 
GamingMaiden said:
There'll be another hospital scene in the future, then it'll go deeper into his past. :)
Click to expand...
Still, I don't know if arbitrarily throwing that out, and then forgetting about it for a while is necessarily the best thing to do.
 
Homicidal Cherry53 said:
Still, I don't know if arbitrarily throwing that out, and then forgetting about it for a while is necessarily the best thing to do.
Click to expand...
I won't. Trust me. ;)
 
He looked outside with a cast on his arm. The window was still wet from the oncoming rain. His eyes set on the lone rose on the bushes outside the glass. His house was his dojo, his resting place, his sanctuary. He sighed and turned to the phone. The events of yesterday had made him somewhat excited but confused all at once. Aiyumi, turned out to be a ninja of an ally village from years ago. He closed his eyes and began to remember about his village.

*15 years ago*
"How big is the Megumi village (Megumi=Blessing)?" Said a young Ryuko of the age of 6. "Well.....when you take over as village chief, you'll find out soon enough." His father (village chief) smiled at the young confused boy. "When I grow up, I wanna be a great ninja like you! I'll be the best village chief there ever was!" Ryuko's father looked at him and smiled again. He shook his head and began to stand. "Where are you going father?" Ryuko said, worried. His father looked at him and sighed. "A meeting of chiefs in the area. I'll be back tomorrow." With that, he left.
Hours passed and Ryuko became bored with nothing. His day consisted of training and spending time with his father, he had nothing to do. He looked around and walked out of the house. Ryuko ran with his little legs to the exit of the village. A village guard looked at the oncoming Ryuko and said sternly, "Halt! You're not allowed to come farther than this point!" The guard glared at him. Ryuko pouted and yelled,"This'll be my village and I demand you let me through! Who gave you those orders?" Ryuko glared back as the guard began to sweat and stutter. "Thats what I thought. Now let me pass." Ryuko said quietly. The gates opened and Ryuko ran out.
The forest stretched on with trees and cherry blossoms. Ryuko looked around as the wind carried the cherry blossoms around him. He smiled and ran ahead on the road. As he ran, something began to follow him. He turned as he finally heard the creature rush to him. The creature was abou 5'6 and had blades on his wrists. He dashed and began to swing his wrist. He closed his eyes, anticipating the hit. But it never came. He opened his eyes and saw a little girl his age with a knife through it's stomach. The monster's eyes opened out and shook softly. As the girl threw the knife out, it collasped.
"You ok?" The little girl said shyly. Ryuko stared and nodded his head, not blinking. "Are you ok?" She asked again. Ryuko nodded and replied, "Yea. Sorry about that. Whats your name?" The girl laughed and replied, "Aiyumi." Then, the flashback ended.
"Aiyumi!" He gasped. He couldn't believe it. The girl who killed the Ketsueki Oni had saved him before. He tried to remember more but he was too exhausted to think. He plopped down on his bed and took a peaceful nap, trying to remember more about his own dark past.....
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top