Funny Jokes

A

Ares

Ares God Of War
I dont think there is a topic on this, so I thought it might be a cool idea. Post some jokes for us to have a laugh.

Here is one to start it off.....

Ok so this millionare has this huge party at his mansion. He asks his Guests to follow him outside to the swiming pool. The Guests look into the pool and see that it is full of crocidiles. The host tells the Guests, that whoever swims across the pool from one side to the other will get his collection of cars.. No one gets in. "Alright then, whoever swims from one side to the other get my cars, and mansions that are all over the world. No one gets in. "Alright then, Whoever swims from one side to the other gets all my cars, mansions and 10 million dollars.. SPLASH!!! He see's a man Swimming as fast as he can and fighting his way to the other side. He gets to the other side, clothes torn and wet. The host goes over to him and asks where will he want the cars to be sent to. The man reply "I dont want them". "ok" says the host, "well then where do you what the keys to the mansion's mailed to and the money. "I dont want any of it!", the man replied."HHHHMMM" says the host, "well do you want anything"? Yeah I just want to know who the hell pushed my into the pool!!

:lol Post up
 
A skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop :)


um.... 2 peanuts were walking down the street, one was assaulted. *ehem*

†B†V† :hat
 
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
 
Star Wars pick-up lines

Is that a lightsaber in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Ohh there is a strong presence in the force. Ohh wait that was just you walking by.

*Wave your hand over person as if using jedi powersand say* "You will fall in love with me*

How about you and me go home and do it jedi-style

There's a reason why they call me part gungan.

Small, I may be, but big, where it counts.

(Variation of previous joke) *In Yoda voice* Small, I may be, but I'm all wookie where it counts
 
This one is pretty good, its about computers....

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."
 
Nice one Ares.

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<<<most windows users
 
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
 
Conversations with Tech Support

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
 
this isnt really a joke or anything but its a computer song


(Computer Song To be sung with the theme from the Beverly Hillbillys)

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Ted, A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed. But then one day he was talking to a recruiter who said, "they'll pay big bucks if ya work on a computer"..

UNIX, that is....Windows 95....Workstations...C++...VB

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Ted's an engineer. The kinfolk said "Ted, move away from here". They said "Arizona is the place you oughta be" so he bought some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee...

Intel, that is....dry heat... no amusement parks.....

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube. Fed him lots of donuts and sat him at a tube. They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"

OT, that is ...unpaid...mandatory.....

The weeks rolled
 
three men (a homosexual, a scientist, and an idiot) were stranded on an island and were found by a cannibal tribe.  they took the men to their king hoping that the men would be executed.  however, the king gave them each a chance to survive.

"you will each go out into the jungle"  he said "and collect ten of one kind of fruit.  You will then bring it back here and shove them up your butt one by one.  if you make any facial expression, you will be immediately killed."

the men immediately began their mission.   ten minutes later, the homosexual came back with ten bananas.  being a homosexual, he thought it would be easy.  he got the first one in alright and the second one.   but the third one burst on the way in and when he showed a look of disgust, he was immediately killed.

the scientist was the most clever and came back ten minutes later with ten berries.  his clever thinking paid off as he slipped them in one after another.  but on the tenth berry, before he put it in, he looked back and suddenly burst out laughing  and was immediately killed. 

In heaven the homosexual and the scientist met.  the homosexual said to the scientist:

"you were doing so well!  what was so funny that you had to laugh?"

the scientist replied:  "i saw the other guy coming in with pineapples!"
 
that was pretty good

here is a blonde joke....

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.

She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.

Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!..."
 
In the Amazon rain forest, three explorers were walking. One was Irish, another English, and the last American. Soon, they came across a tribe, and the leader of the tribe told them that if they wanted to pass through this territory, they had to pass the three caves test. The explorers agreed and asked what the three cave test was.

The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said, "Inside the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a woman who has never been satisfied, and she must be satisfied."

The three men were hesitant but could not back out, so the American went into the first cave, drank the bottle, and died soon afterward. The Englishman was second. He went into the first cave, drank the bottle, then went into the second cave. There was a lot of commotion and roaring. No one emerged from the cave.

Lastly, the Irish man went into the first cave and drank the bottle. He went into the second cave. At first, there was a lot of commotion, and then there was a soft purring sound. Then he entered the last cave. Two minutes later, he came out puzzled and asked, "Where's the thorn in the woman's foot?"
 
Oh, we're getting dirty here? I'm home... :D

A young woman got a job as a substitute teacher in an elementary school. Before she started, the other teacher told her the kids was quite nice, but one kid in particullar called Bill could drop a few... questionable jokes and comments from time to time. Feeling prepared, she went into the class and tried to teach them maths. The kids were nice enough, and she started feeling comfortable.

"So, I have three apples. I take away one, so how many do I have left?" Many kids raised their hand, including Bill. Giving him credit, she decided to let him try.
"My brother always steal things from me, so I only have one apple left." He said and smiled.
"No, you have two apples left," The teacher said, but smiled back. "But I like the way you are thinking."
"Miss, I have a question for you." Bill said.
Feeling a bit nervous, the teacher paused a few seconds, but agreed. "Go ahead,"
"What is long, hard and melts in a woman's mouth?" Bill said with a grin.
The teacher blushed, and said angrily: "Young man, that kind of language does not belong in an elementary school"!
Bill just looked at her, leaned back and said out loud: "The answer is ice cream, but I like the way you think!"

:lol

(yeah, I know. Shame on me.) :-[
 
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
 
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